I've been feeling extremely depressed lately.
Like how all my friends are leaving me. My past is just the past and I have no one left to really lean on. I feel so left behind. I don't even know what I'm doing with my career path. I hate that I can't really do anything about it either.
I just don't like anything about myself. And I've had several thoughts about hurting myself. Maybe even killing myself. But I'd always chicken out.
Today I tried something new. Something I'd never do because I'm afraid of pain. But I did it. And it's any itchy feeling but I don't hate it. It stings slightly but it makes me feel good. I did it really light. You don't have to do it deep. But it feels like I released some emotions this way...
I attempted it a few times before but chickened out because I'm afraid of getting hurt. But it's not the kind of pain you'd expect. Nor does it take much effort. As long as you have the right tool.
I think I've found a new way to express myself...
I don't want to live. It's all just going by in a blur and I don't think I can keep up...
I've never expressed my sad emotions to my parents. Especially anything related to this because I know they'll be disappointed and I'm the eldest child so I just can't afford to disappoint them. I need help but no one is here...
I don't know anymore....
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Monday, November 20, 2017
Nov. 20, 2017
So I met up with the Asian 18 year old.
HE WAS SO BORING.
Like he was super nice and all but he had no freaking backbone! I thought maybe if not dating material we could be friends but he didn't have any preferences so I couldn't deal with his wishy washyness!
I tried getting his opinion on if he liked popcorns better or what games he wanted to play but he was basically like, "Idk, you choose.". LIKE BITCH I AM BUT ITS GETTING BORING. He's super nice though. But he also doesn't look like what he sent the picture of.
He didn't have nice skin (he photo shopped it A LOT). So I felt like I was cheated off money. I tried overlooking it. Cuz personality is what matters most. I think he lied about his height too. He wasn't as tall as what my other guy friends are like. And he did say he didn't eat a lot but I didn't think he'd be so scrawny. He felt so fragile when I had to pull him off a bikers way.
I felt like the man leading lol.
I stopped the "hang out" mid way by saying I, " P, I think your nice but let's end it here today." And he seemed disappointed but said it was alright. I apologized and we went our separate ways. He texted me again a few minutes later probably hanging on to that piece of thread thinking we could maybe even be friends. I said sure but to be honest, I'm probably just gonna ignore him.
He's too soft spoken and shy. When meeting strangers, both sides are supposed to try but urgghhhh. He has no back bone at all.
I guess this is my end on finding a dude Lol
Until 5 years later when I'm ready to tango again~
HE WAS SO BORING.
Like he was super nice and all but he had no freaking backbone! I thought maybe if not dating material we could be friends but he didn't have any preferences so I couldn't deal with his wishy washyness!
I tried getting his opinion on if he liked popcorns better or what games he wanted to play but he was basically like, "Idk, you choose.". LIKE BITCH I AM BUT ITS GETTING BORING. He's super nice though. But he also doesn't look like what he sent the picture of.
He didn't have nice skin (he photo shopped it A LOT). So I felt like I was cheated off money. I tried overlooking it. Cuz personality is what matters most. I think he lied about his height too. He wasn't as tall as what my other guy friends are like. And he did say he didn't eat a lot but I didn't think he'd be so scrawny. He felt so fragile when I had to pull him off a bikers way.
I felt like the man leading lol.
I stopped the "hang out" mid way by saying I, " P, I think your nice but let's end it here today." And he seemed disappointed but said it was alright. I apologized and we went our separate ways. He texted me again a few minutes later probably hanging on to that piece of thread thinking we could maybe even be friends. I said sure but to be honest, I'm probably just gonna ignore him.
He's too soft spoken and shy. When meeting strangers, both sides are supposed to try but urgghhhh. He has no back bone at all.
I guess this is my end on finding a dude Lol
Until 5 years later when I'm ready to tango again~
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Nov. 18, 2017
HNGGG
Okay
So
I met this other dude online. He Korean like me and 1 year younger than me. He looks cute and we started texting a few days ago. Thing is, he's turning into the 20 year old I ghosted! Not in the romance sense but he's taking large intervals to text me. DAYS without texting and we're meeting on Monday.
I reached out to him once and he reached out to me once. Then I reached out again but he's not reaching out this time. It makes me feel as if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Maybe he lost interest? I don't mind being ghosted, I ghost people too so it's fair game.
It's just I can't seem to find a guy I totally click with. He also has a bit of anxiety so he doesn't eat as much to be skinny. That's hella not healthy and he doesn't like vegetables! I LOVE VEGGIES AND FRUITS. So that's a major turn off. I was looking for a foodie partner in crime who also loves animals and just like to do things! I love volunteering where kids are and I love to eat new types of food.
But I don't think this is gonna work T^T
If he confirms with me wanting to meet up with me on Monday the day before or before our meet up, then I'll meet up with him. If I don't hear from him again, then I'll assume he's lost interest and go along my merry way.
To be honest, I don't think I have the stress capacity to enter romance lol
It feels all too much and I haven't even started anything...
Plus I don't seem to get attached to people at all. It might because of my past where people I thought were my friends weren't and my crush turned out to be a total playboy. I pursued him but not like DATE ME.. More like LOOK BUT DON"T TOUCH. Lol
So yea... No relationships for me!
JUST DIETING AND BECOMING FABULOUS.
K Bye
Lol
Okay
So
I met this other dude online. He Korean like me and 1 year younger than me. He looks cute and we started texting a few days ago. Thing is, he's turning into the 20 year old I ghosted! Not in the romance sense but he's taking large intervals to text me. DAYS without texting and we're meeting on Monday.
I reached out to him once and he reached out to me once. Then I reached out again but he's not reaching out this time. It makes me feel as if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Maybe he lost interest? I don't mind being ghosted, I ghost people too so it's fair game.
It's just I can't seem to find a guy I totally click with. He also has a bit of anxiety so he doesn't eat as much to be skinny. That's hella not healthy and he doesn't like vegetables! I LOVE VEGGIES AND FRUITS. So that's a major turn off. I was looking for a foodie partner in crime who also loves animals and just like to do things! I love volunteering where kids are and I love to eat new types of food.
But I don't think this is gonna work T^T
If he confirms with me wanting to meet up with me on Monday the day before or before our meet up, then I'll meet up with him. If I don't hear from him again, then I'll assume he's lost interest and go along my merry way.
To be honest, I don't think I have the stress capacity to enter romance lol
It feels all too much and I haven't even started anything...
Plus I don't seem to get attached to people at all. It might because of my past where people I thought were my friends weren't and my crush turned out to be a total playboy. I pursued him but not like DATE ME.. More like LOOK BUT DON"T TOUCH. Lol
So yea... No relationships for me!
JUST DIETING AND BECOMING FABULOUS.
K Bye
Lol
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
November 14, 2017
And so my dating life began...
Well it went fuckin dainty until I chickened out lol
But it wasn't all that sprinkles and butterflies. I was extremely self conscious and was anxious.
This dude I met online was definitely a 9/10. He was soups tall, handsome (asianly), polite, and was neat (no facial hair, no smoking, no drugs). He was everything I would love about a dude. BUT. He was more of the romantic ones who loved to go do nightly drives and stuff. I'm not that kind of girl. I find that boring and if left in silence, awkward. I loved doing activities and wasn't much of a nocturnal person as I used to be in high school (internet all night lol). No matter how handsome he was, this was a turn off for me.
We met up and it was awkward. Of course since it's a first date and all. He was really nice and if we met as friends, I think I would have loved to hang out with him. However, the world was against me and the moment we met up as dates, I knew he wasn't the one for me. I didn't have the urge to kiss him (I never have for anyone but I'm 19 now!), and he was just nice to look at. I wasn't curious about him as much as when I used to have a crush on this one dude.
Fast forward to after the date. We decided to have a 2nd date. Cool. Maybe I'd be able to tell 100% if I wanted to keep meeting him or not. But alas, my brain found something I didn't like about him.
Now keep in mind guys, if you don't really like someone but they are awesome, you WILL want to find something bad about them to not meet them. And that was me. Uhu
He didn't message me as much as I would have liked. Every other day would have been fine. Two texts every other day, a small convo. That's all I wanted. But we could go days without contacting each other. I didn't want to meet him anymore. I was supposed to meet him for dinner and a drive but I ghosted him. He didn't text me the night before or the day of the meet if we were going too. So I assumed he got the hint and wasn't coming. An hour after our meet up time, he messages me and I felt a wee bit bad but at the same time glad.
I was glad I didn't have to meet him anymore. He could go meet someone who loved doing what he does. And the fact that I didn't have to tell him why. He seemed to have a slight temper. I'm sure I'm assuming and he would have been cool with me letting him know it's not working out. But I'm quite a chicken and ghosted him.
So ladies out there, don't do that. Unless they pester you and can't take the hint. Be polite and tell them it's just not working out. It's the best for the both. What if you miraculously meet them outside? Awkward right?
Well it went fuckin dainty until I chickened out lol
But it wasn't all that sprinkles and butterflies. I was extremely self conscious and was anxious.
This dude I met online was definitely a 9/10. He was soups tall, handsome (asianly), polite, and was neat (no facial hair, no smoking, no drugs). He was everything I would love about a dude. BUT. He was more of the romantic ones who loved to go do nightly drives and stuff. I'm not that kind of girl. I find that boring and if left in silence, awkward. I loved doing activities and wasn't much of a nocturnal person as I used to be in high school (internet all night lol). No matter how handsome he was, this was a turn off for me.
We met up and it was awkward. Of course since it's a first date and all. He was really nice and if we met as friends, I think I would have loved to hang out with him. However, the world was against me and the moment we met up as dates, I knew he wasn't the one for me. I didn't have the urge to kiss him (I never have for anyone but I'm 19 now!), and he was just nice to look at. I wasn't curious about him as much as when I used to have a crush on this one dude.
Fast forward to after the date. We decided to have a 2nd date. Cool. Maybe I'd be able to tell 100% if I wanted to keep meeting him or not. But alas, my brain found something I didn't like about him.
Now keep in mind guys, if you don't really like someone but they are awesome, you WILL want to find something bad about them to not meet them. And that was me. Uhu
He didn't message me as much as I would have liked. Every other day would have been fine. Two texts every other day, a small convo. That's all I wanted. But we could go days without contacting each other. I didn't want to meet him anymore. I was supposed to meet him for dinner and a drive but I ghosted him. He didn't text me the night before or the day of the meet if we were going too. So I assumed he got the hint and wasn't coming. An hour after our meet up time, he messages me and I felt a wee bit bad but at the same time glad.
I was glad I didn't have to meet him anymore. He could go meet someone who loved doing what he does. And the fact that I didn't have to tell him why. He seemed to have a slight temper. I'm sure I'm assuming and he would have been cool with me letting him know it's not working out. But I'm quite a chicken and ghosted him.
So ladies out there, don't do that. Unless they pester you and can't take the hint. Be polite and tell them it's just not working out. It's the best for the both. What if you miraculously meet them outside? Awkward right?
Friday, September 1, 2017
Sept. 01, 2017
I must be hella tired and extremely stressed. I guess during work, when T messed the fuck up, he said sorry but I didn't hear it. Apparently, my awesome shift supervisor C did but I didn't. It must be because I mentally already have hate towards him lolol
Today I realized that C sucks at multitasking. He keeps doing unnecessary shit to hold up the line. During slow times, you could do that and customers love the interactions! But when it's busy, they just want their drinks and go. But he just doesn't seem to have the urgency?
R is the new person whom I forgot her name. She's nice and weird. Although she still does a tiny bit off, maybe I'm just overly defensive because of past experiences with female friends? There was also this psycho in Starbucks that worked with us. Got fired, gladly.
A, a supervisor, knows I extremely hate T and tries to put me far away from him (thankfully lol). I CAN work with him, but I won't be helpful to him. I'll do what I need to but I won't go beyond that to help him unless he asks me.
I don't think the newcomers are taking care of the condiment bars. It's always messy and not stocked up. Whenever I'm close to ending my shift, the manager or shift supervisors ask me to check on it (I don't mind. Condiment bar is my get away lol) and it's always unstocked and messy. Maybe we need to retrain?
I'm not saying I'm a super good worker! But I do, do the basics so the person before doesn't have a hard time. However, the newcomers don't seem to think about that. I wonder if any of the Starbucks partner will ever stumble upon this lol.
I don't mind. It's not like I give their real name. And it's not like I hate everyone and badmouth everyone. It's just those rage days. That one fucking person I hate and my daily life... Hahahahahaha.....
K PEACE
Today I realized that C sucks at multitasking. He keeps doing unnecessary shit to hold up the line. During slow times, you could do that and customers love the interactions! But when it's busy, they just want their drinks and go. But he just doesn't seem to have the urgency?
R is the new person whom I forgot her name. She's nice and weird. Although she still does a tiny bit off, maybe I'm just overly defensive because of past experiences with female friends? There was also this psycho in Starbucks that worked with us. Got fired, gladly.
A, a supervisor, knows I extremely hate T and tries to put me far away from him (thankfully lol). I CAN work with him, but I won't be helpful to him. I'll do what I need to but I won't go beyond that to help him unless he asks me.
I don't think the newcomers are taking care of the condiment bars. It's always messy and not stocked up. Whenever I'm close to ending my shift, the manager or shift supervisors ask me to check on it (I don't mind. Condiment bar is my get away lol) and it's always unstocked and messy. Maybe we need to retrain?
I'm not saying I'm a super good worker! But I do, do the basics so the person before doesn't have a hard time. However, the newcomers don't seem to think about that. I wonder if any of the Starbucks partner will ever stumble upon this lol.
I don't mind. It's not like I give their real name. And it's not like I hate everyone and badmouth everyone. It's just those rage days. That one fucking person I hate and my daily life... Hahahahahaha.....
K PEACE
August 31, 2017
Came back from my trip on July. End of July something haha
But OMFG another rage day! Starbucks have some new comers and a lot of old partners left T^T
Most of the new partners are cool.
There's a girl and she's not the nicest (I don't really why I get an off feeling from her sometimes). Like she's nice but it feels off..?
Then there's C who's a girl but identifies himself as a guy. Which is cool. Whatever floats your boat (But in my brain he is a she uhu).
Then there's B who's tall AF. When I first had to work around him, I was super uncomfortable. I'm not used to people hovering me because people (guys especially) are usually on the shorter side. So they're only like half a head taller than me. This dude was a fucking sky scrapper. But he seems nice. Almost like a puppy?
There's also this Chinese dude. I forgot his name Lolol I'm such a bad partner. He's nice, a bit aloof I'd say? Eccentric maybe? He's fairly tall too and I had a hard time adjusting to these sky scrapper dudes. But at least they chill haha
Another guy (too many guys. I regret Lol) he's training for a higher position I think? I'm not sure. That's the feeling I get. He's nice and tries his best. But maybe too much? He greets then says his name to every single customer. Like dude, chill, they just want to order and have a small chat maybe then leave lol. He's not a bad guy though. But I HATE that he pops my personal bubble. I have the hardest time getting used to that.
Then there's that motherfucker.... T. I hate him to the core. He acts high and mighty. And when he gets caught on his mistakes, he brushes it off and does it again, says it wasn't him (IT WAS HIM) or his facial expression turns into slight panics, pretends he understands then goes off quickly to do some useless shit. He just doesn't admit it.
You know what else pissed me the fuck off? Today while working with him, he looks at the trash, then ORDERS me to crush the milk cartons to compress the trash a bit. Okay dude, all cool. I understand. But the way it put it, the way his face said "I caught you on an annoying huge mistake!" LIKE BITCH, NO. You could push it down for me. I'm busy af, and you do the same exact shit.
There's no milk in the fridge, "Hey T, can you get me milk. I gots none." He goes off and tells me how I have to signal him. DUDE I WOULD BUT IDK WHERE THE FUCKING CAP FLIES WHEN I"M BUSY TRYING TO MAKE DRINKS. He could have just said, "Oh I didn't see any milk caps, okay I'll get it." I'd reply back with, "Thanks, maybe the cap flew else where, I have the worst aiming, sorry." We cool. But no, his way of wording shit pisses me da fuck off.
Like the other time I worked with him, he was CSing for 10 minutes. Enough for one cycle. I take over CSing and I see that the coffee filter is completely filled over the coffee grinds (this causes excessive grinds). "Hey T, did you do the coffee? Cuz it's not supposed to fold over like th-" "Oh, no I was only csing for like 10 minutes, how could I?" Uh... 10 MINUTES? DUDE, ITS YOU. So I just say, "Oh okay. Well just letting you know anyways, don't do this." And I walk away doing what I need to do. fjgsklkfl;sjfg lj FUCKING lskgjsl jglj
Maybe I blew up a bit without myself noticing but when a customer came to bar because there was no milk, I asked T to get some for the customer. He's like okay. But I don't hear him walking after 10 seconds. CUSTOMERS COME FIRST. WHATEVER YOU DO PUT IT DOWN AND GET THE FUCKING MILK. IT ONLY TAKES ONE MINUTE. So I tell him, "Get the milk NOW." He goes and gets it quickly. Later my manager tells me while working, to be nice to him. And I'm like oh, I don't remember raising my voice but okay. I'm just doing whatever work I need to do. And later he adds, T was meaner though. I'm like "THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THE OBVIOUS." Of course in my head.
I'm even thinking of changing my schedule. Like I hate this dude, just standing next to him, I feel disgusted and uncomfortable. I don't even want to see his face. During work, we have to squeeze our way around sometimes. There was T and another dude, I legit sucked my stomach to the extreme, and slightly tippy toed between them, extra careful not to the touch T. I CANT STAND HIM. HNNNNGGGGG.
This is my second time hating someone so much I'd rather go to hell than be around him.
On the other hand, we have B who's a bit of an eye candy. I definitely have no feelings for him. Like I don't feel shit around any guy anymore lol
I must be old T^T
But I always look forward to working with him. He tries to get along with everyone and talking to him is nice. It feels like I'm talking to an innocent middle school dork. And when he works, I see a newborn baby trying to take it's first step Lol.
But yea~ THAT ONE DUDE FUCKS UP MY ENTIRE MOOD AT WORK. FUCK
But OMFG another rage day! Starbucks have some new comers and a lot of old partners left T^T
Most of the new partners are cool.
There's a girl and she's not the nicest (I don't really why I get an off feeling from her sometimes). Like she's nice but it feels off..?
Then there's C who's a girl but identifies himself as a guy. Which is cool. Whatever floats your boat (But in my brain he is a she uhu).
Then there's B who's tall AF. When I first had to work around him, I was super uncomfortable. I'm not used to people hovering me because people (guys especially) are usually on the shorter side. So they're only like half a head taller than me. This dude was a fucking sky scrapper. But he seems nice. Almost like a puppy?
There's also this Chinese dude. I forgot his name Lolol I'm such a bad partner. He's nice, a bit aloof I'd say? Eccentric maybe? He's fairly tall too and I had a hard time adjusting to these sky scrapper dudes. But at least they chill haha
Another guy (too many guys. I regret Lol) he's training for a higher position I think? I'm not sure. That's the feeling I get. He's nice and tries his best. But maybe too much? He greets then says his name to every single customer. Like dude, chill, they just want to order and have a small chat maybe then leave lol. He's not a bad guy though. But I HATE that he pops my personal bubble. I have the hardest time getting used to that.
Then there's that motherfucker.... T. I hate him to the core. He acts high and mighty. And when he gets caught on his mistakes, he brushes it off and does it again, says it wasn't him (IT WAS HIM) or his facial expression turns into slight panics, pretends he understands then goes off quickly to do some useless shit. He just doesn't admit it.
You know what else pissed me the fuck off? Today while working with him, he looks at the trash, then ORDERS me to crush the milk cartons to compress the trash a bit. Okay dude, all cool. I understand. But the way it put it, the way his face said "I caught you on an annoying huge mistake!" LIKE BITCH, NO. You could push it down for me. I'm busy af, and you do the same exact shit.
There's no milk in the fridge, "Hey T, can you get me milk. I gots none." He goes off and tells me how I have to signal him. DUDE I WOULD BUT IDK WHERE THE FUCKING CAP FLIES WHEN I"M BUSY TRYING TO MAKE DRINKS. He could have just said, "Oh I didn't see any milk caps, okay I'll get it." I'd reply back with, "Thanks, maybe the cap flew else where, I have the worst aiming, sorry." We cool. But no, his way of wording shit pisses me da fuck off.
Like the other time I worked with him, he was CSing for 10 minutes. Enough for one cycle. I take over CSing and I see that the coffee filter is completely filled over the coffee grinds (this causes excessive grinds). "Hey T, did you do the coffee? Cuz it's not supposed to fold over like th-" "Oh, no I was only csing for like 10 minutes, how could I?" Uh... 10 MINUTES? DUDE, ITS YOU. So I just say, "Oh okay. Well just letting you know anyways, don't do this." And I walk away doing what I need to do. fjgsklkfl;sjfg lj FUCKING lskgjsl jglj
Maybe I blew up a bit without myself noticing but when a customer came to bar because there was no milk, I asked T to get some for the customer. He's like okay. But I don't hear him walking after 10 seconds. CUSTOMERS COME FIRST. WHATEVER YOU DO PUT IT DOWN AND GET THE FUCKING MILK. IT ONLY TAKES ONE MINUTE. So I tell him, "Get the milk NOW." He goes and gets it quickly. Later my manager tells me while working, to be nice to him. And I'm like oh, I don't remember raising my voice but okay. I'm just doing whatever work I need to do. And later he adds, T was meaner though. I'm like "THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THE OBVIOUS." Of course in my head.
I'm even thinking of changing my schedule. Like I hate this dude, just standing next to him, I feel disgusted and uncomfortable. I don't even want to see his face. During work, we have to squeeze our way around sometimes. There was T and another dude, I legit sucked my stomach to the extreme, and slightly tippy toed between them, extra careful not to the touch T. I CANT STAND HIM. HNNNNGGGGG.
This is my second time hating someone so much I'd rather go to hell than be around him.
On the other hand, we have B who's a bit of an eye candy. I definitely have no feelings for him. Like I don't feel shit around any guy anymore lol
I must be old T^T
But I always look forward to working with him. He tries to get along with everyone and talking to him is nice. It feels like I'm talking to an innocent middle school dork. And when he works, I see a newborn baby trying to take it's first step Lol.
But yea~ THAT ONE DUDE FUCKS UP MY ENTIRE MOOD AT WORK. FUCK
Sunday, May 7, 2017
May 06, 2017
OMFG
So I went Starbucks yesterday and I feel so loved! Lol
My coworkers yelled good bye to me in unison and told me to come back and I just felt extremely happy and loved! I've never worked somewhere where coworkers are so loving and felt like family!
I'm glad my manager is willing to let me work at the exact same location again because I honestly don't think I'll be able to find another family orientated company like the Starbucks I'm working at. I feel super blessed to have been accepted into the company itself!
I left them all small notes (because I'm not one to express my emotions much) and I'm glad my small messages were read! Because that was the best (nonawkwardest) way I could express my gratitude lol.
Hnnnngggg. I really need to lose weight because I'm going Korea on the 17th but I'm still fat af and I just feel really dejected. I want to go when I look my best just because there are a few cute Koreans there and I just love eye candy! Why not look cute myself so they'll approach me? Lol
But it seems that won't be happening this time either T^T
Maybe I'll go on some extreme dieting... Yea... I'll do that
MUAHAHAHAHA
So I went Starbucks yesterday and I feel so loved! Lol
My coworkers yelled good bye to me in unison and told me to come back and I just felt extremely happy and loved! I've never worked somewhere where coworkers are so loving and felt like family!
I'm glad my manager is willing to let me work at the exact same location again because I honestly don't think I'll be able to find another family orientated company like the Starbucks I'm working at. I feel super blessed to have been accepted into the company itself!
I left them all small notes (because I'm not one to express my emotions much) and I'm glad my small messages were read! Because that was the best (nonawkwardest) way I could express my gratitude lol.
Hnnnngggg. I really need to lose weight because I'm going Korea on the 17th but I'm still fat af and I just feel really dejected. I want to go when I look my best just because there are a few cute Koreans there and I just love eye candy! Why not look cute myself so they'll approach me? Lol
But it seems that won't be happening this time either T^T
Maybe I'll go on some extreme dieting... Yea... I'll do that
MUAHAHAHAHA
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)