Yesterday, I quit my work place giving them a two week notice before and asking for paymet on the day I would work for the last time. Then complications set in.
I wasn't paid for the two weeks I worked and for the last day I went to work! So overall, I wasn't paid for 3 weeks of my back breaking work! I felt so pissed! He said he would pay me on friday and he didnt! Then he was like can I pay you by paypal and I'm like no, you promised me cash or check and he said okay.
On saturday he said he'll pay me after looking at his schedule. He said he had to play with his son. Like dude, it's nice you want family time, but I need you to F***'n pay me for my worked hours. He told me to estimate that day when I wrote it all on their log in sheet so I estimated about 60 hours. I asked if it was okay that it was estimated and he's like that's fine.
So today, I asked my manager to send me a copy of the log sheet and she would and I'm still waiting for her to as she is currently busy.
And I texted him, can you pay me saturday or not (today) and he said I can't. That's why I said let's use paypal and I'm just like. Monday I can not unless it's early in the morning and you are the one who told me you would pay in cash or check on my last day of wok. And he still hasn't replied to me. Like no, I am extremely pissed and not answering me will solve everything.
I am on the verge of suing this bastard. I was all nice and friendly, trying to get out of work with a cool image so that we can work together again in the future but NO. That bastard decided he doesn't want to pay me on the day of my leave or because he's just to god damn F***' lazy to get the check ready!
I am never ever working at that place again. Their cupcakes maybe delicious but the person who owns the store is a total bastard who needs to know that a promise is a promise and a worker is someone who needs to be fairly paid for their work.
If he doesn't pay me on monday, I WILL sue him. God damn, just pay me and everything is over but he goes and becomes irresponsible D:< GRAAAA
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
October 17, 2015
Today I went into work since a worker quit all of a sudden and they were short handed. I don't work on saturdays but I said I could but only until 9:00a.m. The manager said it was okay.
I got to work and the person who I had to bake with didn't really know how to ice the cupcakes all too well. I did most of the icing, he did the oven handling as I was afraid of being burned lol.
The orders were a mess as there was no one to watch over us as we worked. I was being held back the mother in law of the boss when I really had to leave at 9:00. She was getting irritating as she would stick next to me a lot and because she expected me to stay when I told my manager before hand that I had to leave at 9. I iced customed cupcakes, about 50 of them, and asked my coworker to ice the 20 left over.
He said he would and he did. However, there was a mini cupcake custom order where you had to make butterflies on it. I had to go so I assumed the coworker was gonna stay and do it.
Turned out he left right after icing the 20 cupcakes because:
1. He wasn't paid in a month (we get paid every 2 weeks)
2. He wasn't a great icer (I think it's just an excuse, you can always try)
Later that night, I called the manager to tell him that I was going to go with quiting as I mentioned before. I told him that I will continue working for the next week but that would be it. He said okay. Then all of a sudden he blamed me for leaving early when I clearly told the manager that I HAD to leave at 9:00. The call ended.
When the call ended, that's when I started replaying the conversation and I felt extremely angry. I came into work, gave my time to work there even though I didn't work on saturday, I helped as much as possible and all of a sudden he's telling me it's my fault for how everything went? I've only worked there for 2 1/2 weeks.
I was paired with a person who started in August but wasn't very skilled with icing, did my best to finish over half of it, and he goes and says I ditched my responsibilities when I clearly did what I promised to do. I felt extremely taken advantage of since:
1. I wasn't paid for the 2 weeks I worked
2. I did most of the work I was promised
3. It's like he's saying the coworker left because I wasn't there
I am not the supervisor and am just an assistant. What he told me was uncalled for and I felt extremely angry. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow up front if he comes and tell him what needs to be told.
This is not elementary where, if you blame someone else for your mistake, everything will be fixed. This is real life, and blaming me is only gonna make me want to quit even more since I did my best and did what I promised only to be something such as a scapegoat.
GRAH! I got accepted into Bloomingdale Restaurant bakery, I hope over there isn't like that either.
Blek...
That's all for now!
I got to work and the person who I had to bake with didn't really know how to ice the cupcakes all too well. I did most of the icing, he did the oven handling as I was afraid of being burned lol.
The orders were a mess as there was no one to watch over us as we worked. I was being held back the mother in law of the boss when I really had to leave at 9:00. She was getting irritating as she would stick next to me a lot and because she expected me to stay when I told my manager before hand that I had to leave at 9. I iced customed cupcakes, about 50 of them, and asked my coworker to ice the 20 left over.
He said he would and he did. However, there was a mini cupcake custom order where you had to make butterflies on it. I had to go so I assumed the coworker was gonna stay and do it.
Turned out he left right after icing the 20 cupcakes because:
1. He wasn't paid in a month (we get paid every 2 weeks)
2. He wasn't a great icer (I think it's just an excuse, you can always try)
Later that night, I called the manager to tell him that I was going to go with quiting as I mentioned before. I told him that I will continue working for the next week but that would be it. He said okay. Then all of a sudden he blamed me for leaving early when I clearly told the manager that I HAD to leave at 9:00. The call ended.
When the call ended, that's when I started replaying the conversation and I felt extremely angry. I came into work, gave my time to work there even though I didn't work on saturday, I helped as much as possible and all of a sudden he's telling me it's my fault for how everything went? I've only worked there for 2 1/2 weeks.
I was paired with a person who started in August but wasn't very skilled with icing, did my best to finish over half of it, and he goes and says I ditched my responsibilities when I clearly did what I promised to do. I felt extremely taken advantage of since:
1. I wasn't paid for the 2 weeks I worked
2. I did most of the work I was promised
3. It's like he's saying the coworker left because I wasn't there
I am not the supervisor and am just an assistant. What he told me was uncalled for and I felt extremely angry. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow up front if he comes and tell him what needs to be told.
This is not elementary where, if you blame someone else for your mistake, everything will be fixed. This is real life, and blaming me is only gonna make me want to quit even more since I did my best and did what I promised only to be something such as a scapegoat.
GRAH! I got accepted into Bloomingdale Restaurant bakery, I hope over there isn't like that either.
Blek...
That's all for now!
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
October 13, 2015
Today has been a rather weird not so fun day. Last night I filled out applications and resume to find a new work place, as today I called my manager that I wanted to quit in 2 weeks.
They were okay with it and understood. I applied to 6 places. Three of which called back (I feel so happy lol). One was from Magnolia Bakery and the other was from Chocolate cafe.
They're both famous places in the mainland and damn, I feel lucky haha xD
Bloomingdale contacted me this morning that they would contact me sometime today by calling. But they haven't yet and it's 4:20p.m...
Anyways, I'll consider bloomingdale as no go for NOW. Just putting it aside as right now, I have three interviews to attend too.
My options of IF they accept me is:
1) Magnolia Bakery
2) Chocolate Cafe
3) tetsuya Bakery (I think... Right? I need to get an email from them)
It's like that but if bloomingdale was in I'm hindering on wether I should make Bloomingdale my first priority or Magnolia Bakery my first priority. Working at a famous restaurant will help me in sucess wise and background but for skill wise, Magnolia bakery is tempting...
Anyways, I'll decide that later when I make my pro and con table for both of them x)
I feel like this might be my lucky year and I'm enjoy it so much! Passing my classes.... Lolol xD
That's all for today!
They were okay with it and understood. I applied to 6 places. Three of which called back (I feel so happy lol). One was from Magnolia Bakery and the other was from Chocolate cafe.
They're both famous places in the mainland and damn, I feel lucky haha xD
Bloomingdale contacted me this morning that they would contact me sometime today by calling. But they haven't yet and it's 4:20p.m...
Anyways, I'll consider bloomingdale as no go for NOW. Just putting it aside as right now, I have three interviews to attend too.
My options of IF they accept me is:
1) Magnolia Bakery
2) Chocolate Cafe
3) tetsuya Bakery (I think... Right? I need to get an email from them)
It's like that but if bloomingdale was in I'm hindering on wether I should make Bloomingdale my first priority or Magnolia Bakery my first priority. Working at a famous restaurant will help me in sucess wise and background but for skill wise, Magnolia bakery is tempting...
Anyways, I'll decide that later when I make my pro and con table for both of them x)
I feel like this might be my lucky year and I'm enjoy it so much! Passing my classes.... Lolol xD
That's all for today!
Sunday, October 11, 2015
October 11, 2015
I have been reading a lot of manga lately and have fallen behing on my work! (Q0Q)
Anywho, the mangas I've been reading is called Tokyo Paradise (I think) and another one where it involves two country bumpkin childhood friends who go to the city side in puruse of their dream to become popular throughout the world!
Such a fun manga, I wish I was in a manga too T^T
I've also been working and I made a big whoopsie. On top of that, falling behind on my class work is making me want to give up on school. I've been wanting to just avoid everything and lock myself up. But, that's not possible. If it was possible, I would have done that months ago from all the stress that's been piling up on me.
I know I have to face my failures and accept it but... Things aren't exactly that easy to accept. But I've been working on it. And have been epicallly failing xD
My rabbits are so adorable....
Uh... Okay so, I was told that my first interview went well and that he would send me the day of where the next interview would be at but... I didn't get an email within the week!
He either lost interest or forgot! I'm guessing he lost interest though... I don't want to have my hopes up too high... I sent him a reminder and I hope he atleast answers back.
Well, that's all for today!
Anywho, the mangas I've been reading is called Tokyo Paradise (I think) and another one where it involves two country bumpkin childhood friends who go to the city side in puruse of their dream to become popular throughout the world!
Such a fun manga, I wish I was in a manga too T^T
I've also been working and I made a big whoopsie. On top of that, falling behind on my class work is making me want to give up on school. I've been wanting to just avoid everything and lock myself up. But, that's not possible. If it was possible, I would have done that months ago from all the stress that's been piling up on me.
I know I have to face my failures and accept it but... Things aren't exactly that easy to accept. But I've been working on it. And have been epicallly failing xD
My rabbits are so adorable....
Uh... Okay so, I was told that my first interview went well and that he would send me the day of where the next interview would be at but... I didn't get an email within the week!
He either lost interest or forgot! I'm guessing he lost interest though... I don't want to have my hopes up too high... I sent him a reminder and I hope he atleast answers back.
Well, that's all for today!
Saturday, October 10, 2015
October 09, 2015
Today I was half dead. Only sleeping for 2 hours, then having to wake up at 2:00 to get ready for work, biking all the way there for 30-35 minutes. It was a killer workout Haha.
When I got to work, I got work with a girl named Heather. She's a really cool girl and the first day I worked wit her, it was really fun and just comfortable. Today after all the baking, we ran into a few problems but it was fine until there was a MAJOR problem.
No one knew how to make a return! I'm not sure if returns are acceptable in the bakery but I wasn't told anything and the manager who was supposed to be there didn't even show up. So I apologized to the customer as it was my first time touching a cash register.
I began pressing random buttons on the tablet until I finally found it and we were able to return the ladies money and giver her the new cookies. To be honest, I thought it was supposed to be an exchange but instead, it feels like in that confusion, she just took the cookies and left...
But at the same time, it was understandable since the train cookied looked like crap. Like, whoever decorated was probably just messing around.
Anyways, after that, there was leftover cupcakes from a few days ago so we took a lot of it home with us and it was fun since Heather was cool with swearing and just everything in general. Her personality is really awesome.
I biked all the way to Ala Moana since that's where I was supposed to meet up with my exfriend. I met up with my mom, ate, then left to petco since I had time. I bought all my pet supplies and it was heavy as heck.
As I biked to Ala Moana again, I had a feeling that my exfriend would be sleeping. We were supposed to meet up at 1:40 and it was 1:13, she didn't reply to my instagram message which caught my attention.
I called her and as I had thought she was still sleeping. She even forgot and was like Who is this?
I was so pissed. I told her I'm going home, and I'm the last person you chatted with on instagram and hung up.
She texted me later telling me that she was sorry and all that but it's the usual. She did that before when we used to be I guess close friends. Always late, making me go to her house. I was sick and tired of having to work around my schedule just for her mistakes.
I didn't even text her back. I consider her a nuisance. I can live perfectly fine without her. But since she was a friend I thought I'd give her another chance. Welp, she blew it in one go. I'm not the strict type. If you overslept like 2 times it's alright, I love sleep too (But I'm never late). But she was just continuously pissing me off and telling me to come over her place. We stay there for over 2 hours then go out, not having enough time to actually do what we planned.
Anyways, she blew it and I am never ever giving her a chance again. At the same time, I'm worried if she'll even be able to find a job or work there for a long time. She has no sense of responsibility. How does she even raise her pet?
Blergh...
Then I went to church and oh my god, I felt like I was drunk. I was super sleepy. The 12th grade girl's youth study group went out to Keaamoku to eat bingsoo and I drank coffee. When we got back to church, I was extremely hyper and just ran around with my baby sister. I'm pretty sure everyone thought I was crazy...
I might not go next week... Lol
My rabbits are so adorbs! I love them to bits! But, coffee seems to hate me to bits while twinkle could care less Lol
That's all for today and I hope I don't make another friend like that girl. *Shudders*
When I got to work, I got work with a girl named Heather. She's a really cool girl and the first day I worked wit her, it was really fun and just comfortable. Today after all the baking, we ran into a few problems but it was fine until there was a MAJOR problem.
No one knew how to make a return! I'm not sure if returns are acceptable in the bakery but I wasn't told anything and the manager who was supposed to be there didn't even show up. So I apologized to the customer as it was my first time touching a cash register.
I began pressing random buttons on the tablet until I finally found it and we were able to return the ladies money and giver her the new cookies. To be honest, I thought it was supposed to be an exchange but instead, it feels like in that confusion, she just took the cookies and left...
But at the same time, it was understandable since the train cookied looked like crap. Like, whoever decorated was probably just messing around.
Anyways, after that, there was leftover cupcakes from a few days ago so we took a lot of it home with us and it was fun since Heather was cool with swearing and just everything in general. Her personality is really awesome.
I biked all the way to Ala Moana since that's where I was supposed to meet up with my exfriend. I met up with my mom, ate, then left to petco since I had time. I bought all my pet supplies and it was heavy as heck.
As I biked to Ala Moana again, I had a feeling that my exfriend would be sleeping. We were supposed to meet up at 1:40 and it was 1:13, she didn't reply to my instagram message which caught my attention.
I called her and as I had thought she was still sleeping. She even forgot and was like Who is this?
I was so pissed. I told her I'm going home, and I'm the last person you chatted with on instagram and hung up.
She texted me later telling me that she was sorry and all that but it's the usual. She did that before when we used to be I guess close friends. Always late, making me go to her house. I was sick and tired of having to work around my schedule just for her mistakes.
I didn't even text her back. I consider her a nuisance. I can live perfectly fine without her. But since she was a friend I thought I'd give her another chance. Welp, she blew it in one go. I'm not the strict type. If you overslept like 2 times it's alright, I love sleep too (But I'm never late). But she was just continuously pissing me off and telling me to come over her place. We stay there for over 2 hours then go out, not having enough time to actually do what we planned.
Anyways, she blew it and I am never ever giving her a chance again. At the same time, I'm worried if she'll even be able to find a job or work there for a long time. She has no sense of responsibility. How does she even raise her pet?
Blergh...
Then I went to church and oh my god, I felt like I was drunk. I was super sleepy. The 12th grade girl's youth study group went out to Keaamoku to eat bingsoo and I drank coffee. When we got back to church, I was extremely hyper and just ran around with my baby sister. I'm pretty sure everyone thought I was crazy...
I might not go next week... Lol
My rabbits are so adorbs! I love them to bits! But, coffee seems to hate me to bits while twinkle could care less Lol
That's all for today and I hope I don't make another friend like that girl. *Shudders*
Monday, October 5, 2015
October 05, 2015
And so, the whole thing I saw the other day, X had actually just finished the SAT. We had a whole communication misunderstanding.
I feel stupid at the same time I got to voice out why I was mad, the fact that I was the only one actually making an effort to make a hang out day. But now we're all G.
But we can't hang out since she didn't tell me when she might be good, I had already made plans when she was completely free, which I'm bummed about.
I feel like I started some shitty drama lol. But it's okayyyy, the misunderstanding was solved and we both got to know what one another was thinking. I think that communication is important through any type of relationship, be it friendship or relationships. If you don't communicate effectively, one or the other will misunderstand, like how it happened to me -___-
Anyways, last night, I was emailed that I made the first interview! I'm going to be going to the final interview! I'm so excited! I really hope I pass the next interview too! If I get into this one particular job, I'm gonna work there for 2 or more years! Be it being in the bakers position or hostess!
I'm willing to take both positions!
My grades right now are okay. Average I'd say. A C for English, and B's for Menu merchandising and nutrition. Gotta redo all my essays in english to bump up my grade to atleast a high B and to ace my exams!
Life is sweet when you think simply and make it YOUR life not another persons~!
Edit:
Now that I think about it, today my ex friend I got in a fight with over a turtle messaged me. I was initially shocked then went into a suspicious "What does she want?" kind of view since it's litterally been over 6 months since the fight. We even avoided each other so it made me really suspicious.
She wanted to hang out with me saying it's been a long time. She seems overly enthusiatic over the hang out and the fact that I was messaging her back...
I agreed to hang out but I honestly don't know what kind of face I'll make infront of her. Everyone has flaws but we are basically total opposites and it just makes me wonder.
Will everything be normal or awkward?
I feel stupid at the same time I got to voice out why I was mad, the fact that I was the only one actually making an effort to make a hang out day. But now we're all G.
But we can't hang out since she didn't tell me when she might be good, I had already made plans when she was completely free, which I'm bummed about.
I feel like I started some shitty drama lol. But it's okayyyy, the misunderstanding was solved and we both got to know what one another was thinking. I think that communication is important through any type of relationship, be it friendship or relationships. If you don't communicate effectively, one or the other will misunderstand, like how it happened to me -___-
Anyways, last night, I was emailed that I made the first interview! I'm going to be going to the final interview! I'm so excited! I really hope I pass the next interview too! If I get into this one particular job, I'm gonna work there for 2 or more years! Be it being in the bakers position or hostess!
I'm willing to take both positions!
My grades right now are okay. Average I'd say. A C for English, and B's for Menu merchandising and nutrition. Gotta redo all my essays in english to bump up my grade to atleast a high B and to ace my exams!
Life is sweet when you think simply and make it YOUR life not another persons~!
Edit:
Now that I think about it, today my ex friend I got in a fight with over a turtle messaged me. I was initially shocked then went into a suspicious "What does she want?" kind of view since it's litterally been over 6 months since the fight. We even avoided each other so it made me really suspicious.
She wanted to hang out with me saying it's been a long time. She seems overly enthusiatic over the hang out and the fact that I was messaging her back...
I agreed to hang out but I honestly don't know what kind of face I'll make infront of her. Everyone has flaws but we are basically total opposites and it just makes me wonder.
Will everything be normal or awkward?
Sunday, October 4, 2015
October 04, 2015
After pouring everything out yesterday here, I felt so much more better. But it still didn't help with how another wound was added.
But to counter that and forget about it to move on with my life, I've started baking cookies today! Gonna try do icing decorations as I thought it was amazing how other people were doing it!
And I had an interview a few days ago for an upcoming restaurant thats gonna open. I hope I make it! I really want to be a hostess or baker. I applied for hostess since I wasn't sure exactly what they were looking for in a baker but they seemed to want to push me towards the baking area.
I don't know if they wanted to hire me but I hope they do and find me useful. I really want to expand my experiences.
Now, gotta find a way to tell my current employer when I'll have to stop coming if the position I'm looking for accepts me.
Well, wish me luck!
:D
But to counter that and forget about it to move on with my life, I've started baking cookies today! Gonna try do icing decorations as I thought it was amazing how other people were doing it!
And I had an interview a few days ago for an upcoming restaurant thats gonna open. I hope I make it! I really want to be a hostess or baker. I applied for hostess since I wasn't sure exactly what they were looking for in a baker but they seemed to want to push me towards the baking area.
I don't know if they wanted to hire me but I hope they do and find me useful. I really want to expand my experiences.
Now, gotta find a way to tell my current employer when I'll have to stop coming if the position I'm looking for accepts me.
Well, wish me luck!
:D
October 03, 2015
Been such a long time since I updated. Everythings been going well. I got to enter college, got a job at a bakery where their cupcakes are famous... Had 2 close friends... But now, I don't even know if I should consider them as friends. I'm so confused and.. Lonely...
One friend by X was whom I trusted a lot. I considered her like my sister. Even though we might not talk a lot because we go to different grade, and school, she was the first person I would always consider to tell or to give something to. She always said she was busy with SATs or because she's been sick. I believe that she was sick. I really do because she's not the type to lie about those type of things. But...
She started saying "After the SATs", "Because of my SATs", "I have to study."... I believed her for a few weeks but that trust started to disappear since she used that phrase so many times. I felt suspicious that just maybe, she has time but she's not willing to hang out with me. And I was right...
Today while I was with my mom, she was driving and I was sitting in the front seat just looking out the window (window was closed). It was a good day. Until I saw something I wish I didn't... I saw X hanging out with people from my old school, our group of friends in a way. She was laughing and walked across the street without a care in the world sort of face...
The moment I saw that I just got hit by a sudden dizzy feeling for a split second, while at the same time, it actually felt like something shot me right through my chest. I was gonna call out to them, maybe they'd be surprised and it'd be normal was my first thought but the moment those feelings hit me, I felt so confused and like the world had betrayed me. I felt numb and that pain lasted for a few seconds then subsided. But the one thing that didn't disappear along with it, was the feeling that I wasn't needed... Hell, I tried to ask if they wanted to hang out, no one bothered asking me, they said maybe, and I see them all hanging out together.
That killed my heart....
When my mom saw my reaction she asked "Isn't that your friend? Didn't she say she was busy?" I felt extremely embarrased but I brushed it off. "I guess this means I'm not their friends anymore." Was my only reasonable response. My mom tried comforting me and I pretended I wasn't affected at all. But that wasn't the case. I felt like I was in a dark room, curled up in a ball, crying and crying but no one coming to help me.
Once I got home, I didn't want to make any rash decisions and regret it later. So I simply sent a text to X. 'Let's not talk anymore.'
She must have been surprised and confused to why I would send that since she sent a 'what??'. Soon throughout the day, I just felt really crappy. I lost all my energy when I was so hyper yesterday and willing to do a lot just to make people happy. It just really sucked. After dinner, I got another text. 'Hey everything alright??'
'No, everything is not alright. You lied to me, you threw my trust on the ground, you didn't even bother to say a sorry I'm hanging with other people maybe next time. You acted busy, when obviously you had that small time to hang with them but not with me. You killed me.'
I wanted to send that so badly... I wanted to voice out my pain but, it just seemed like she wouldn't understand... No one would. No one ever does! I just felt so lonely that, that one person who I could act like myself just crushed me. I even thought maybe, I should die. Maybe a few might care for a few days. But they'd forget.
I just couldn't follow through with that. I thought about it, however, it'd be like saying you win. I lose. I'm just so lost and confused. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST? When will I stop feeling so lonely and hurt..? Every single time I feel that I've become close friends with them, they betray me, they use me, they take advantage of me...
I've been able to mask all of this infront of people, calling it experience but all these wounds that's accumalated isn't helping. It's to the point where I wish I didn't have any emotions. Better to be a robot than be hurt. Maybe even go into a coma.
"You haven't been through a lot of stress." How the hell would you know? My whole life has been betrayal, trust issues, people using me, these reasons even hold me back from loving someone and just merely watch them, never trying to even love them like how you would to a lover. I've never dated, in fear of getting hurt, rejected, used, thrown away...
What should I do...? I'm lost, hurt... and I'm crying inside...
I can't even cry in my room, my parents or baby sister might see... I definitely can't cry in public... I just want to cry it all out... But I'm never able to cry out my wounds... What the hell kind of life is this? I wish I had the courage to die...
I don't know anymore...
Then there's M.
'If you have time, tell me, let's hang out.'
'Okay :)!'
Okay? It's been so long. You've never messaged me. We should hang out my a**. I'm always the one bringing up hanging out together... I don't even want to deal with these people. I erased their number, whatever way they or I could contact them. That way I won't make rash decisions. Those phone numbers will just be gibberish. I don't know them...
Who are you?
Who am I going to trust...?
One friend by X was whom I trusted a lot. I considered her like my sister. Even though we might not talk a lot because we go to different grade, and school, she was the first person I would always consider to tell or to give something to. She always said she was busy with SATs or because she's been sick. I believe that she was sick. I really do because she's not the type to lie about those type of things. But...
She started saying "After the SATs", "Because of my SATs", "I have to study."... I believed her for a few weeks but that trust started to disappear since she used that phrase so many times. I felt suspicious that just maybe, she has time but she's not willing to hang out with me. And I was right...
Today while I was with my mom, she was driving and I was sitting in the front seat just looking out the window (window was closed). It was a good day. Until I saw something I wish I didn't... I saw X hanging out with people from my old school, our group of friends in a way. She was laughing and walked across the street without a care in the world sort of face...
The moment I saw that I just got hit by a sudden dizzy feeling for a split second, while at the same time, it actually felt like something shot me right through my chest. I was gonna call out to them, maybe they'd be surprised and it'd be normal was my first thought but the moment those feelings hit me, I felt so confused and like the world had betrayed me. I felt numb and that pain lasted for a few seconds then subsided. But the one thing that didn't disappear along with it, was the feeling that I wasn't needed... Hell, I tried to ask if they wanted to hang out, no one bothered asking me, they said maybe, and I see them all hanging out together.
That killed my heart....
When my mom saw my reaction she asked "Isn't that your friend? Didn't she say she was busy?" I felt extremely embarrased but I brushed it off. "I guess this means I'm not their friends anymore." Was my only reasonable response. My mom tried comforting me and I pretended I wasn't affected at all. But that wasn't the case. I felt like I was in a dark room, curled up in a ball, crying and crying but no one coming to help me.
Once I got home, I didn't want to make any rash decisions and regret it later. So I simply sent a text to X. 'Let's not talk anymore.'
She must have been surprised and confused to why I would send that since she sent a 'what??'. Soon throughout the day, I just felt really crappy. I lost all my energy when I was so hyper yesterday and willing to do a lot just to make people happy. It just really sucked. After dinner, I got another text. 'Hey everything alright??'
'No, everything is not alright. You lied to me, you threw my trust on the ground, you didn't even bother to say a sorry I'm hanging with other people maybe next time. You acted busy, when obviously you had that small time to hang with them but not with me. You killed me.'
I wanted to send that so badly... I wanted to voice out my pain but, it just seemed like she wouldn't understand... No one would. No one ever does! I just felt so lonely that, that one person who I could act like myself just crushed me. I even thought maybe, I should die. Maybe a few might care for a few days. But they'd forget.
I just couldn't follow through with that. I thought about it, however, it'd be like saying you win. I lose. I'm just so lost and confused. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST? When will I stop feeling so lonely and hurt..? Every single time I feel that I've become close friends with them, they betray me, they use me, they take advantage of me...
I've been able to mask all of this infront of people, calling it experience but all these wounds that's accumalated isn't helping. It's to the point where I wish I didn't have any emotions. Better to be a robot than be hurt. Maybe even go into a coma.
"You haven't been through a lot of stress." How the hell would you know? My whole life has been betrayal, trust issues, people using me, these reasons even hold me back from loving someone and just merely watch them, never trying to even love them like how you would to a lover. I've never dated, in fear of getting hurt, rejected, used, thrown away...
What should I do...? I'm lost, hurt... and I'm crying inside...
I can't even cry in my room, my parents or baby sister might see... I definitely can't cry in public... I just want to cry it all out... But I'm never able to cry out my wounds... What the hell kind of life is this? I wish I had the courage to die...
I don't know anymore...
Then there's M.
'If you have time, tell me, let's hang out.'
'Okay :)!'
Okay? It's been so long. You've never messaged me. We should hang out my a**. I'm always the one bringing up hanging out together... I don't even want to deal with these people. I erased their number, whatever way they or I could contact them. That way I won't make rash decisions. Those phone numbers will just be gibberish. I don't know them...
Who are you?
Who am I going to trust...?
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