Been such a long time since I updated. Everythings been going well. I got to enter college, got a job at a bakery where their cupcakes are famous... Had 2 close friends... But now, I don't even know if I should consider them as friends. I'm so confused and.. Lonely...
One friend by X was whom I trusted a lot. I considered her like my sister. Even though we might not talk a lot because we go to different grade, and school, she was the first person I would always consider to tell or to give something to. She always said she was busy with SATs or because she's been sick. I believe that she was sick. I really do because she's not the type to lie about those type of things. But...
She started saying "After the SATs", "Because of my SATs", "I have to study."... I believed her for a few weeks but that trust started to disappear since she used that phrase so many times. I felt suspicious that just maybe, she has time but she's not willing to hang out with me. And I was right...
Today while I was with my mom, she was driving and I was sitting in the front seat just looking out the window (window was closed). It was a good day. Until I saw something I wish I didn't... I saw X hanging out with people from my old school, our group of friends in a way. She was laughing and walked across the street without a care in the world sort of face...
The moment I saw that I just got hit by a sudden dizzy feeling for a split second, while at the same time, it actually felt like something shot me right through my chest. I was gonna call out to them, maybe they'd be surprised and it'd be normal was my first thought but the moment those feelings hit me, I felt so confused and like the world had betrayed me. I felt numb and that pain lasted for a few seconds then subsided. But the one thing that didn't disappear along with it, was the feeling that I wasn't needed... Hell, I tried to ask if they wanted to hang out, no one bothered asking me, they said maybe, and I see them all hanging out together.
That killed my heart....
When my mom saw my reaction she asked "Isn't that your friend? Didn't she say she was busy?" I felt extremely embarrased but I brushed it off. "I guess this means I'm not their friends anymore." Was my only reasonable response. My mom tried comforting me and I pretended I wasn't affected at all. But that wasn't the case. I felt like I was in a dark room, curled up in a ball, crying and crying but no one coming to help me.
Once I got home, I didn't want to make any rash decisions and regret it later. So I simply sent a text to X. 'Let's not talk anymore.'
She must have been surprised and confused to why I would send that since she sent a 'what??'. Soon throughout the day, I just felt really crappy. I lost all my energy when I was so hyper yesterday and willing to do a lot just to make people happy. It just really sucked. After dinner, I got another text. 'Hey everything alright??'
'No, everything is not alright. You lied to me, you threw my trust on the ground, you didn't even bother to say a sorry I'm hanging with other people maybe next time. You acted busy, when obviously you had that small time to hang with them but not with me. You killed me.'
I wanted to send that so badly... I wanted to voice out my pain but, it just seemed like she wouldn't understand... No one would. No one ever does! I just felt so lonely that, that one person who I could act like myself just crushed me. I even thought maybe, I should die. Maybe a few might care for a few days. But they'd forget.
I just couldn't follow through with that. I thought about it, however, it'd be like saying you win. I lose. I'm just so lost and confused. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST? When will I stop feeling so lonely and hurt..? Every single time I feel that I've become close friends with them, they betray me, they use me, they take advantage of me...
I've been able to mask all of this infront of people, calling it experience but all these wounds that's accumalated isn't helping. It's to the point where I wish I didn't have any emotions. Better to be a robot than be hurt. Maybe even go into a coma.
"You haven't been through a lot of stress." How the hell would you know? My whole life has been betrayal, trust issues, people using me, these reasons even hold me back from loving someone and just merely watch them, never trying to even love them like how you would to a lover. I've never dated, in fear of getting hurt, rejected, used, thrown away...
What should I do...? I'm lost, hurt... and I'm crying inside...
I can't even cry in my room, my parents or baby sister might see... I definitely can't cry in public... I just want to cry it all out... But I'm never able to cry out my wounds... What the hell kind of life is this? I wish I had the courage to die...
I don't know anymore...
Then there's M.
'If you have time, tell me, let's hang out.'
'Okay :)!'
Okay? It's been so long. You've never messaged me. We should hang out my a**. I'm always the one bringing up hanging out together... I don't even want to deal with these people. I erased their number, whatever way they or I could contact them. That way I won't make rash decisions. Those phone numbers will just be gibberish. I don't know them...
Who are you?
Who am I going to trust...?
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